Wednesday, August 31, 2011

MOVIES: The Force is freaking sucky with the Blu-Rays of Star Wars

Gosh freaking dangit. Why? Why why why? I'm trying to articulate the reasons why these changes being made to the original trilogy in the Star Wars Blu-ray set are so offensive to the movies. I suppose we can go through the major changes one at a time and talk about how sad they make on for depression and anger.

1. R2-D2 now hides behind an obnoxiously big rock.

Why does this suck? Well it doesn't make any drastic changes like the whole Han shooting first thing...but it begs the question...why? Why do we need this clearly CGI'd rock covering half of R2's body? Let's ignore the fact that with that rock in place HE COULDN'T FREAKING FIT INSIDE THERE! How did he get behind it? He can't effing fit! What is the point?!? It's like the special ed edition of A New Hope when Luke and Obi-Wan arrive at Mos Eisley and Lucas just shoves more and more crap on the screen to the point where a dinosaur LITERALLY covers the entire screen! Gosh dangit George, WHY?!

2. The call Obi-Wan now uses to scare away the Sand People is the least scary sound I have ever heard.

What the hell is that sound? Like seriously it sounds like the exact opposite of something that would scare Sand People away. I'm pretty sure that Sand People, the ruffians that pillage and murder on the outskirts of Tatooine wouldn't be afraid of one old hermit. That's why I always felt Obi-Wan made a supernatural sound in order to trick the Sand People into thinking he was something truly frightening. But apparently the fact that there's three of them, armed to the teeth does nothing to boost their confidence against a tired old man who is apparently drunk. Also, it's clear that Obi-Wan hasn't proven himself a killer of Sand People since after he rouses Luke he warns that they must leave quickly before more Sand People arrive.

3. The door on Jabba the Hutt's palace in Return of the Jedi is freaking monstrous.

Because bigger is better. At least that's what 4 year olds and George Lucas think. This is similar to the R2-D2 rock scenario. What is the freaking point? We now have a ridiculously huge obviously computer generated door to distract us from the scene for no reason whatsoever. The outside of Jabba's palace isn't supposed to be anything special or intimidating in my eyes. It's the palace of the lead gangster on the planet. In Batman Begins, when Bruce Wayne goes to find the leader of the crime ring Carmine Falcone, he's not in some elaborate mansion, he's in a regular old restaurant in the middle of the slums of Gotham. This is how the villainous live, they hide in the shadows and once you enter their domain you see the filth and darkness that rules their territory. Jeeze does Lucas really not understand these things?

What number am I on...ok 4. Ewoks are now 10 times more creepy.

Say what you will about Ewoks but I've always liked them. I remember thinking they were cute when I was a kid and they were vital to the success of the rebellion whether you like it or not. But I'm also the first to admit that they're a little creepy. Tiny little bear things with fat lips...well now they have creepy eyelids too. Because, you know, George Lucas thinks that for something to be relatable it must act as close to a human as possible, including its physical features. DEAD WRONG. My biggest problem with the eyelids is that they look so obviously tacked on in post-production. They're so clearly computer generated when everything else on the Ewok is glorious costume design that it's freaking distracting every time those computerized light brown things slide over the Ewok's eyes.

5. So. Freaking. Lame. Darth Vader's NOOOO! when killing the Emperor.

Remember that great scene? You know the one at the climax of Return of the Jedi when the Emperor is pissed that Luke won't succumb to the Dark Side so he starts torturing him. Blasting him with lightning bolts while Luke gives his one last plea to his father to save him. When you SEE Vader's internal struggle as he deals with the idea that his life is already lost to the Dark Side "It is, too late for me, son." Remember when he finally sees the light and raises his former master, who had corrupted him from his youth, high above his head to finally cast him into the abyss where he belongs? Remember that? Remember how emotionally involving that was? Without any words, the movie conveyed the struggle going on as Vader had to decide between the son he had already betrayed and the man he had followed blindly for years. It's like the opening shot of A New Hope when the ill-equipped rebel ship flies on the screen immediately pursued by the terrifyingly massive Star Destroyer of the Empire. With absolutely no dialogue we know who are the good guys and who are the bad guys. That's one of the things that I loved in the original trilogy, how much story was actually told even without dialogue. But no, now this scene needs Vader to verbalize his conflict because clearly it's not evident enough. Not only is he verbalizing it, but he shouts his horrendous NOOO! which is one of the most hated scenes from Revenge of the Sith, the only prequel that fans of the original trilogy thought was at least decent. Gosh dangit I get that Lucas loves the idea that the two trilogies have a "poetry" between them but this is ridiculous. It's just these painful reminders of how lucky George was that the first movie actually worked, and how Empire and Return of the Jedi had different directors who knew what the hell they were doing. Just makes me sad.

These aren't even all the changes but I don't feel like writing about this just sucks. Give us the ORIGINAL VERSIONS OF THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY IN BLU-RAY OR CLEANED UP DVD FORMAT AND YOU WILL MAKE A BAZILLION DOLLARS GEORGE LUCAS. I GUARANTEE IT!!!

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